YEAH

I am excited for the weekend. We have some great events happening at church which I am excited about and MY SISTER IS COMING TO SEE ME. That means Circle M bbq but more importantly it means I get to see one of my best friends. I miss my sister and don't get to talk to her as much as I would like due to her schedule, my schedule, etc. The free time she has is spent with Jim and catching up on her school work. She always fines time though to come up here and check on me! YEAH.

MableLean is gonna bust out Saturday night with her talent. Hopefully she will come through for me. She is excited though and has her costume ready.

Are we really amazed?

Wow, what a week. I was blessed with two days off and really needed it emotionally. Isn't it neat how God always knows exactly what we need and provides for us. Before I was born He knew that this day would come, the emotional state I would be in, the dilemnas I would face, and He promised to take care of me! We (I) often say that we are "amazed" at God's work and I am not suggesting that His grace and mercy isn't amazing. However, with that said, don't we expect that God can answer our prayers, lead us to calmer waters and greener pastures? When we pray don't we expect to hear God, see God, and feel His peace? Of course we do. Of course, we always want it instantly and never want to wait. This weekend was one of those experiences that reminded me to "let go and let God". Wow, that is easy to say when things are going good, isn't it? Well, I had to let go. I knew that my strength was so weak and I would never determine a solution on my own. I needed to turn it over to God, no matter how small it seems to some, although huge to me. I don't say that to boast at all but to remind myself, which I need to do daily, that I am so insufficient on my own. I need to let go and let God do his will. If you would have told me Thursday night that the following Wednesday things would slowly be working out I would have laughed at you through my sobbing. Since that dreadful day so many things have happened. Chloe is getting some one on one time with mom and dad. She is being given essentially a second chance to regain her self-confidence. I said to dad, quite seriously, "how do I know when it is God talking or my selfish nature trying to figure out the solution?" He chuckled and said, "well, you will know. Keep praying". I prayed and waited and tried to just be quiet and listen. I have to say it was almost immediate that God began revealing solutions to me.

I have had one estimate on the fence which was somewhat reasonable, I guess. The awesome thing though is last night my sister called and said that she was talking to her boyfriend and he offered to put up my fence. I got so excited because I immediately thought of the money I might save. Then I thought, "thank you God, thank you for putting Jim in my sisters life so that he could help me in this situation". I believe it with all my heart. I believe that God places everyone in a persons life for very specific reasons. Do we always know why? I don't think so, but I know there is a reason for it. So, I was excited. Jim called me and sounded very convincing that he could easily put up a fence. What a relief and answer to pray. After all, I did ask God to provide for me. I got in the bed all excited but then I began tossing and turning. My mind was racing and I was disturbed. I knew that I needed to sell the jeep, my beloved car that I have only had for one year. Dad has been on me from day one to sell but at the time financially I could afford it. Now that I have a car payment after 7 plus years I can't. SO, once again my dad is right and I am selfish. I decided last night that I must sell the car. after all for one person paying over 600 a month for cars and 100 for insurance is a bit absurd unless you are just plum rich and I hate to break it to myself but I don't quite qualify for that category! So, I made the call. Thank God for good friends. The guy I bought the car from agreed to let me put it on his lot to avoid me having people come to my house. I started getting anxious today thinking "oh no, I have two payments coming up this month" and because I am not getting my big check from work until novemeber and was told it would be Oct. I started freaking out. After all, both car taxes are due at the end of the month!!! I refuse to worry about this. I know that somehow God will provide the funds to cover all the payments. The doctor bills, the credit cards, the cable, the cars, the insurance, the taxes, you get the picture. So as I began to freak, which is my nature, I was once again reminded of one of my favorite verses, which happened to be on a card that my church had out for the taken. The card says, "don't worry about tomorrow, God is already there" ......for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you......

Just another reassurance that GOD is in control. Yes, I make dumb decisions with my money and have made bad decisions on purchases yet that is in my past. I have to fix my mistakes and then pray for guidance to change my habits. I am thankful for a second chance, although I think I have lost count but this is not the second chance, more like 2 billion chances. : )

Goodnight Chloe. Mommy loves you and misses you and YES I am praying for you my little dog.

Is this what camp feels like?

Perhaps I experienced a little of what my dad felt about 23 years ago when he dropped me off at The Cove in NC for a week of sports camp. I very vividly remember my excitement as we travelled up to NC but I had no idea the emotions my dad was feeling. He was sad to drop me off even though he knew the experience was going to be good for me. I was going with a friend from school and boy was I stoked. If I remember correctly it was not my first camp expereince but for some reason that drive up made my dad emotional. He did not want to leave me and make the relatively short drive back down 26 to Columbia, but he did.

This could be a stretch but in my feable mind I don't consider it too much of a stretch. This morning I said good-bye to my beloved Chloe for a short while. Ok, so she is a dog, but she is my child and I love her with every part of my being. My heart, my mind, my soul. There is nothing I would not do for that dog. When I rescued her from the shelter I committed to love her and protect her. She is going to live for a month with mom and dad while I figure out a solution to the fighting problem between she and Mable. All that I read indicates that their days of playing together are over and that is ok. I can live with that but what I cannot live with is the absence of my dog. She has only been gone since 7:30 but I have already called four times to check on her. Is this what my dad felt? A hole in your gut? A feeling that you have temporarily lost control over something you love? Sometimes I am amazed at my insanity over my dogs but then I realize that this is a blessing from God. He has blessed me with a tender heart to care for animals, his creatures.
So today I can relate to my earthly Father letting me go to camp for a week and to the pain of our Heavenly Father who allows us to make choices, right or wrong, but is always there to pick us up and bring us home. One day soon I pray Chloe will return to me. Return to a loving home where she is desperately wanted and needed. I pray that when she does return life will not be chaotic. I pray that a solution is iminent and that the Lord will show me that solution very clearly. I believe in prayer and unfortunately do not always pray as I should. I so vividly remember the power of prayer when my father was experiencing open heart surgery. I could literally feel God's presence every second of the day. I know He was there and He was getting us through and showing us His plan. His perfect plan. I know pray fervently for a solution and I am not embarrassed to pray for my dog.

Well, today proved to be another somewhat intense day of emotions. Chloe decided to go for mable again last night when she headed outside. I thought dad had hold of Mable but I was wrong. Luckily, dad was close and I was able to pin chloe, as strong as she is, down against the crate until the coast was clear. This aggression toward Mable has gotten out of control. Mom and dad seem to think it is too many dogs and this may be true but my trainer believes that two female boxers will eventually fight to the end for dominance and has suggested that I find Chloe a new home. Well, great. That is one of those easier said then done things. Chloe is not aggressive toward Olive or Gracie or to people. She has just decided that she doesn't like Mabes. I decided today that I just should take chloe back to Westminster to the no-kill shelter I got her from since they were willing to take her back. They are wonderful Christian people there and Sunshine, the director, encourage me to pray. Pray I have done. It proves to me that nothing is too small or trivial to be brought before our Lord. He cares about the smallest details which appear so large to us (me). Dad and I were shampooing rugs today and juggling dogs in and out so all could get equal time. I prayed that the Lord would just give me a sign of some sorts or discernment to make a good, rational decision. I let Chloe out with addison and Olive which is usually okay but chloe appears so freaked right now that her hair began to raise on her back. trouble was imminent I feared so I ran to get the hose and luckily nothing came of it. Was this my sign? I began to cry again. Seems that is all I have done since thursday night. Anyone who truely knows me knows that my dogs are my children. How do you give a child away? It is unimaginable to me. I asked my father to pray. He is definately the spiritual leader in the family and the one we all turn to in crisis. It was natural for me to ask him to pray for me and Chloe. He said, "we will tonight" and I said, "No, now". I knew this was hard for him to. He said, "give me a minute" as he began getting somewhat choked up. A father's love. He saw me hurting, he was hurting, and he wanted to help me make a good decision. I was preparing myself for having to take chloe to westminster and asked him if he would help me. Of course, he said he would but needed time as he had to return to Columbia early for an appt.
Meanwhile, life went on. Cleaning went on and the juggling of dogs from crate to outside went on. I went outside and found dad on the phone talking to mom. They agreed to take chloe home for a month while I try to determine a solution. Was this an answer to pray? I have to believe that it is part of God's plan. After all we turned our burden over to the Lord and asked him for guidance. Now, I need to continue to ask for guidance as mom and dad cannot handle a big dog and operate the motel. Somehow I will have to find the finances to build a smaller kennel within my backyard. This month is certainly not the month to do this but I know that the Lord will provide for me.

torn

Sleepless night. I am torn. What do I do and where do I turn? I know where to turn. I know who to go to. Why is it so hard to let go? Why can I not just turn it over and quit trying to physically fix the problem. I guess it seems weird to pray for a dog and the situation I am dealing with now. However, as I write this I am reminded of one of my favorite verses in the Bible. It talks about leaning not on our own understanding but in all things through prayer let your requests be known.

Lord,
I am torn tonight. You know my heart. You know it is breaking. You know my physical body is in pain but nothing near your awesome sacrifice. Grant me wisdom and patience as I deal with my kids. Bless my dogs and PLEASE look over them as I make critical decisions. You know I love my dogs and you have blessed me with your company. You know how my heart is so hurting now and I ask for your peace. mercy, and grace.

new adventures

It seems that in the past month I have somewhat unintentionally tried to not be so selfish. I guess the unselfishness hit me in a weird way- fostering dogs. You truly can learn alot from God's creatures if you will take the time to listen. Okay, so they literally don't speak but their bodies say it all! Today I continued the act of being unselfish. Okay, I admit I did it because I didn't want to be called a wimp. I mean surely it wouldn't be that bad. HA. NOT. A friend at work called me just as I got out of my class and asked if I wanted to go and give blood at the blood drive on campus. I said no way. I am not doing that. I have given blood to myself before surgery, well banked it I guess, in case of an emergency. THen I got to thinking, I don't want to be a wimp so I said, "ok, I will go". Oh my gosh, what was I doing. God gave me blood to keep!! Just like I want to keep my body parts. Then as I walked over and waited my turn I began thinking about all those people out there who are sacrificing SO MUCH for me and you. BLOOD being shed every minute so that I can go to the grocery store without fear, worshop without fear, literally live free. You get the point. Then I thought about the folks who wish they could give blood but NEED my blood to live. But by the Grace of God go I. Yes, I was being stubborn and not wanting to be a wimp so I said I would give but in reality I wish my first thought was "sure I will give blood" without even having a second thought. It was actually NOT a pleasant experience. They couldn't get the vein in my right arm to come to the surface or whatever they call it so they tried the left. well, the left was not wanting to cooperate and the needle came out SO they restuck me. I was not in for this battle but.....there is a child needing my blood. There is a mom needing a blood transfusion. There is a father, just in a serious accident who needs our blood. The nurse said, "can I try the right arm again?" Oh my, I thought. Sure, go ahead. Well, I really was kinda upset that it was looking like I was not a good donor and about that time she called someone over and said "what do you think about this side vein". The nurse agreed that perhaps it would work. Ok, so if you don't know me very well- I HATE HOSPITALS and most anything to do with them. I can handle needles and blood coming out naturally does not bother me but I don't consider myself to have a HIGH pain tolerance and going into the "side vein" HURTS like a mama jama. The nurse said, "this is going to hurt". Well, no duh. Hurt was not the word to describe what I was feeling but I kept thinking about those 3 potential lives I was going to help by experiencing temporary pain and an hour of my day.
I am not tooting my own horn but I have really enjoyed serving others. Regardless of whether it is a homeless, sick dog, someone needing my blood, or helping a friend, it feels good to be able to give back. It is such an awesome feeling.